sometimes i forget to hate myself.

Ellipses

the literary magazine: "a weekly orgy of alterna-teens, loser geeks, art-poetry submissions. we make gagging noises at love poetry."
[...]

cut and paste

she.
ruined photo
waited.
phoned miserably. looked stunned
"no don't cry,"
head stiff
door sighed
pluto knows that it is
unusual of school gone retrograde
the instant yes.
pain, excuse,
up bedroom hall, out,
hairdryer
and... need shocked her.
sorry killjoy 'blew it'
awkward.
feeling dry.
mirror.

thinking really nervous.

Plan B

i will drop out of highschool, never shower, always be on acid, and explore the world.
or:
marry a very very very rich man.

what are you going to be when you grow up?



During 1st period i thought i was going to die today.

Wire hangers and wooden toilet seats

He preferred the peanut m&m's he was popping in his mouth to the regular kind. Wrappers littered the room, I saw every single one when I walked in the door and heard them crinkle under my feet. He made no effort to hide them.
"we're a pair of pretentious fuckers, aren't we?" he said, without a hello.
"basically. Wow, the truth is harsh. I've become all I've ever hated." I joked.
"I know how that feels."
We were mean, bitter, cynical, bitches. We hated everyone and flaunted it. But eventually the thrill wears out. So, our entire purpose of friendship was wearing out. Before we were introduced, we didn't know the other existed. We both listened to the same music, wore the same clothes, liked the same movies, but were never aware of each others presence.

he jumped up off the bed quickly and grabbed his jacket from the chair as he flew out the door, wrappers crinkling behind him. I knew to follow. We got into his late 80's Honda and were driving down to the pizza place. I reached under my seat looking for a pack of cigarettes but all I found was an old bob Dylan tape. I was about to push it into the cassette player when he shrieked
"DON'T DO IT, IT EATS TAPES!"
"sorrysorrysorry!"
I decided to instead turn on the radio. Because his car was two decades old, not only was the seat foam coming out from the tears in the seams, but the antenna had fallen off too. So all we heard was white noise with what sounded like moody college radio underneath. I started to stare out the window.
"come back, daydreamer."
we were suddenly at the pizzeria.
"want a slice?"
"I don't feel like eating."
I walked to the back and slid into one of the booths in the corner. He came back with a greasy piece of pizza that looked exactly like his greasy face. I watched him poor a pound of Parmesan onto it. Then I watched him eat it. unlikemost people, this didn't seem to make him uncomfortable. He just kept shoving it in his face.

We started to have the same conversation we always have. First music.
" I love that song where it starts out really shitty and raw and then changes to those lyrics: ' those heartbreakers need to
leave this city this city leave this city and neva come back 'till there pure again.' "
"yeah, I like that to." the mystery with all rock lyrics is that the lines sound so great in the song, but taken out of them, they usually sound like crap.
then we moved on to:
"I hate people so much. They're ridiculous. I mean, look at that couple over there, does she really think she's gunny get laid jiggling her leg like that?"
"I know! She's so unattractive. And you can totally see that the guy is just with her out of pity."
"or he cant find anyone better."
the sick pleasure we used to get out of this awful commentary had faded, and now we were just doing it out of routine.
"is it ok if we go down to the gas station?"
we left the pizzeria and walked past where he parked his car, and down to the corner. He bought peanut m&m's, and I got a tootsie roll pop. As I went up to the counter to pay the 25 cents I owed, I saw the nirvana junkie behind the cash register open his mouth.
"if you ask me how many licks I'm going to your manager and getting your ass fired for smelling like pot."
he looked slightly shocked. Back up the street to the car. Once we got in, he instantly opened the m&m's. I had stopped long ago expecting him to offer me some.
"I HATE this town. There's nothing to do. Its so goddamn boring."
another thing we had covered many times.
"well we could just drive around until we see something, or we could go to another town."
"I don't have enough money for gas to do that." he had already finished, and was crumpling up the wrapper.

I threw my head back onto the seat " I'M SO GODDAMN BORED I HATE THIS TOWN LET'S DO SOMTHING".
"fine lets just sneak into a movie." he started the car. And he drove fast. I felt in between the cushion and back of the seat and grabbed the neon green lighter that was wedged there. I groped under my seat until I grabbed the pack. Ah, sweet nicotine. At one of the stoplights we watched a pudgy fat girl with bad posture and red frizzy hair cross with her head down.
"poor soul", I breathed on the exhale of my inhale. He looked at me and brushed my hair back behind my ear, I didn't move again until we got to the movie theater.
"be cool" he said. I snorted.
a crowd was just exiting and we rushed in past the ushers who gave us looks. We went into the first theater we saw and sat in the back. The movie hadn't started yet. The preview movie announcer was telling us about how Johnny was about to go on the greatest adventure of his life, and the told us to call the 1-800 number at the bottom of the screen if we wore to much makeup. A little after the movie started overdramatically I fell asleep. When I woke up he was kissing my neck and the ushers were cleaning up and giving us looks. We left quickly, my sneakers sticking to the floor on the way out.
parking lot. It was dusk now, but the storytellers weren't on yet.
"what now?" I asked.
"um...well I dunno im going to get high with my friends you hate."
"oh great."
"I cant give you a ride just take the fuckin bus."
"go die"
he turned and left. I began walking for the bus stop. It was cold. The winter light was blue and brown from the smog of the old factory in the background. I crossed the train tracks and waited under the metal sign for the bus. I put on my headphones and watched the lights turn on. The bus came, I gave the correct amount of change and sat in the back. I leaned my head against the window and watched the lights from passing cars reflected on the window go by. I tried to catch them with my hand. When I looked around everyone on the bus had there head down, no one talked. Some were reading, some were listening to music, but I had been the only one looking around or out the window. They all looked so sad. It was a Friday night, and it was obvious they were all going home. At one of the stops and old man got on and sat next to me, without looking at me once. I looked at him until I got off. He had a wedding ring and all his hair was white. He looked down just like everyone else. 'poor souls' I thought again.
I got home ok. I fell asleep with the light on and in my clothes.
the next morning I went to his house. I couldn't stay home. I hadn't changed or showered. His white trash mom opened the screen door and let me in ignoring the smell of stale cigarettes and feet. He was asleep on the floor with the blue screen of the TV basking the walls. He was wearing the same clothes to. There was a half empty bottle of vodka next to him. I chugged it. I lay down next to him and put my head on his chest. He smelled like old ham. I listened to his heartbeat for 10 minutes. Then I ran to the bathroom and vomited into the pristine toilet bowl.
Everything had turned to puke.

i actually sort of miss writing someones name with my fingertip on the fogged glass during my shower.

Dear Lord...

you are the smartie pants! you're very intectual

and love to read and write..its all

good..you'll be successful later on in life!


What Pin Up girl are you?
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Technical knock out

Yesterday on the bus I sat next to a person who I am past acquaintances with but not quite friends with. It was very awkward, but luckily we decided to eaves drop. At first we couldn't decide whether to listen to the slutty girls talk about there friend who "sketches them out" or the two nerd girls behind us, but soon the sluts got of the bus. At first the conversation was very dull, but it had two climaxes. The girl on the left was Hispanic and she thought family came before everything. She also "had a brain and knew how to use it" (her very words) and is very good at manipulating people. Her Spanish teacher, adults., parents, she had the ability to get anything she wanted. Apparently. Girl on the right was adopted as well as her little brother, whose mother was a heroin addict and was living on the streets. Then it went back to a bunch of crap I wont go into. Soon my companion got off to exchange his pesos and wells Fargo, and that was the end of that.




lately listening to music has been a religious experience. And everything seems so bizarre.